How it all began...

I have never really been one to post much online aside from the occasional picture of my kids, so I'm not sure why I am surprised to find that it is difficult for me to open up and share this story of mine.  It is something I really want to do, so it's crazy how quickly I can come up with all kinds of excuses to put off working on this.  But stick with me, I know it will get easier for me and these posts will start coming faster and faster. So, here we go, this is how it all started...

On January 21st, 2014 I heard something I really had hoped I would never hear aimed at me.  There are masses... suspiciously like cancer... we'll take biopsies to make 100% sure... going to admit you into the hospital... Oncologist... cancer floor... I'm so sorry to have to tell you this really hard news.  Into the hospital I went, then came the biopsies, colonoscopy, endoscopy, blood work galore, and then the bomb finally dropped.  I have stage 4 colon cancer, it has metastasized to my liver, and as of now my liver has taken it and ran with it.

I'm not surprised that it took me a couple weeks to realize it was me they were talking about.  That this cancer I keep hearing about was actually going on inside MY body.  It had to be a dream, or more accurately, a horrible, awful nightmare.  There is a tumor in my colon that is so large it has created almost a complete blockage.  That tumor gave birth to at least a dozen other tumors in my liver, two of which are roughly the size of baseballs.  The nightmare was just beginning and after my diagnosis was confirmed they didn't waste any time. 

I had the colonoscopy that confirmed my diagnosis that Friday morning.  It seemed that the tumor in my colon was so large they were afraid it would turn into a total blockage and they had to make the decision to either put off chemo and operate to remove the tumor, or put off the operation and hope the chemo started shrinking the tumor quickly.  I spent the day waiting to find out if I would be having surgery or chemo and until they made that decision I had to hold off on eating or drinking anything. Let me tell you, there is not much in life more miserable than being thirsty and having an incredibly dry mouth and being rejected every time you ask for even ice chips, let alone a glass of water.  I got so lucky when a certain awesome someone, who shall remain nameless, smuggled me 3 ice chips.  Nothing in my life ever tasted so good!

Finally, that evening my oncologist came in and let me know they had decided that starting chemo as soon as possible was the best plan.  I was lucky they were able to fit me in at the last minute to get a port implanted into my chest for the chemo to go through, which would make life so much easier. (Not to mention I wouldn't have to spend another day not eating or drinking!)

After the port was in they gave me iron and blood transfusions.  I was to start chemo the next morning.  I'm glad everything went so quickly, it didn't give me much time to really think... "WOW, I'm going to start CHEMOTHERAPY tomorrow." so I didn't get myself all worked up about it.  Besides, watching someone else's blood slowly drip into me was enough!

The type of chemo I am on is called FOLFOX.  I get to spend about 3-4 hours at the hospital for the first part of the drip, then they hook me up to a sweet fanny pack that has the rest of my chemo and a pump that regulates the drip for the next 48 hours.  The best part of my oh-so-fashionable fanny pack is the fact that it enables me to go home, so I don't have to sit in the hospital for days on end, I just have to go back 48 hours later to get it removed.  This exciting adventure of chemo, fanny packs, pumps and drips gets to be part of my schedule every other Monday for the next 6 months.

I have been through two chemo treatments so far, and my third is scheduled for tomorrow, the 24th.  My first treatment was in the hospital and my second was out-patient with the pump/fanny pack combo.  While they were the same actual chemo medicine, I had such different experiences it was crazy! (I'll write more about that another time) I don't know what to expect with round 3 tomorrow, but whatever it decides to throw at me, I know I can handle it.

One last thing, then I will FINALLY post this!  My intention with this blog is to give an honest account of my experiences fighting stage 4 cancer.  It will probably not be very pretty at times, and will no doubt be flat out sad and depressing at times, but it will also have it's beautiful moments that are full of joy.  When it's time for the sad and ugly parts of my journey, please don't feel sorry for me.  Just know that they are necessary to be able to fully experience and celebrate the beautiful moments.  I know this won't be an easy fight, but I also know without a shadow of a doubt that I am much stronger that this cancer and I have absolutely no intentions of letting it win!